Ever feel like your life is a video game?

You level up. You learn a new trick. The next day it completely vanishes. The next you do a strict muscle up while just messing around (I was actually kind of incredulous as it happened – the not-so-flattering bit is once I went to go get an audience, I failed my second attempt because I couldn’t press all the way out of it!).
At work. Dodging pedestrians, other vehicles, other non-vehicular traffic. At the gym. At the other gym. At the dojo. At work again. At home. At acupuncture.
With my web developer hat on. Then my graphic designer hat. Then playing bad cop to Peter Shrimpton’s good cop (I know, right??).
Going back to something I committed to in January and stopped … and pretty quickly getting back up to speed.
Demonstrating extreme patience with some people, and absolutely zero with others (well, I’m a Myers-Briggs “J” … what do you expect??).
At the gym in the morning before I realise I feel like puking. Squatting a little bit anyway, then noticing that the guy next to me is lifting less than I am (and I’m double-dip squatting…). Feeling like I have food poisoning, starting to eat, and miraculously recovering in time to finally break that 60kg clean (with ease, followed by 8 minutes of miserable mental fails), and also tie my power snatch PR with relative ease. Funny how a day can change on a dime.
I just wish someone would load the bar with 68kgs and tell me it was 57. The brain …. Best friend and worst enemy all at the same time. I could pretend I was like Mario when he gets super-charged and can kick some serious butt (Super Mario 3, my favourite Nintendo game ever!!).
Yeah, weird week. Super productive day on Monday at the office, then I worked remotely from a coffee shop in Hout Bay most of the day Tuesday, so as to accomplish some things. Accomplish some things I did … but the to-do list is still a mile long. But progress is progress … finally started qigong on Tuesday evening. Now THAT is going to be an epic challenge. Oh my word.
A sense of purpose. I think I’m regaining mine, along with the light at the end of the tunnel. Or maybe it’s the afterglow … who the hell knows.
Sometimes you also need someone else to tell you what to do, or give you permission. I got that on Wednesday, in a bit of a roundabout way. I think about it a lot, how fear holds me back (and most people, right?). But I think I’m ready to be done being afraid. Sometimes it just is that easy: when you or a situation reaches a tipping point, then it changes. So, we’ll see.
Easier said than done, but I feel like something’s already shifted. For the first time I wasn’t afraid of failing my back squats on Wednesday (I was just tired so I ‘only’ tied my PR from three weeks ago … the Keith Delaney special on Monday did me in; I’m still sore, it’s awesome). For the first time I wasn’t afraid of those rings … and bam, with confidence comes consistency (ok yeah I guess you also need strength and technique but you get my point).
So, we’ll see what happens next. As Mona always says, when you’re happy good things happen.
I’m not quite sure how I’m going to make time in all of this to be a better friend, because I feel like I’ve been kind of a shit friend to a bunch of people recently. If I make time for them it’s only ever on my terms, and almost certainly not after dark because once the sun goes down I go to sleep. But I’m taking care of myself right now and doing what makes me feel happy. We all must live our own life, because when you compromise to please others you fail yourself and you’re never going to make everyone happy all the time. It’s just NOT POSSIBLE.
And a final note: I am really looking forward to being a good teammate. I especially like being the utility player. I’ve always enjoyed being the pinch hitter. I was explaining comparative advantage yesterday to one of our interns. But more fundamentally I was floating for a long time wondering what my team status would be, or specifically if I was really wanted/needed. It’s nice to be needed. And reality being what it is, I am SO happy right now to be a part of this sports team.
I’ve also been thinking how our sense of ‘normal’ shifts. I was talking to Tammy the other day, who was saying how she used to feel deprived going out to restaurants and eating paleo, and she no longer does. I feel much the same way. There was a time earlier in the year when I felt deprived by not having certain things, but more recently, not at all. I’m also getting wiped from getting ‘only’ 8 hours of sleep; but at least I know to listen to it.
(ok, I still crave lattes … I admit it …)
  • “I’m only doing a few. I want to be able to walk tomorrow.” – Wayne
  • “If you think about your hand, it’s going to hurt. Don’t think about your hand.” – overheard at the martial arts training centre
  • “When you start to try too hard is when everything falls apart.” – Bridget
  • “You’re here to bring about change.” – Kerry 

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